The Onion

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next.

CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of boyfriends or husbands.

News In Photos

When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not...

DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous.

2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449...

Since 2008, the number of people who don't believe in global warming has doubled to 16 percent. What do you think?

Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

WASHINGTON, DC—Though officials are vague about what year NOW was founded, they do say a women's organization is only as old as it feels.

Slideshow

KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entire breakdown of the differences between IndyCar and NASCAR...

ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control...

A study of American teens shows that one in five has unhealthy cholesterol levels. What do you think?

CLEARWATER, KS—"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen upbeat mentions of menstruation-related discomfort that greeted Vanessa McMillan as she reached her amazing milestone.

News In Photos

STATEN ISLAND, NY—During a recent screening of WWE Friday Night SmackDown, wrestling enthusiast David Graziano fluctuated between an awareness that the match he was watching was completely scripted and a willingness to treat the event as though it were 100 percent real.

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save.

WATERBURY, CT—While skimming an SI.com article about Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, local roofer Ernest Wilkinson, 46, told reporters Thursday that he could not even begin to comprehend what the American-born football player and his wife...